Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isnβt calling you back.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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