LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
