I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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