you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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