im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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