i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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