i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
