apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
as a side note pls kill me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
