Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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