I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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