It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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