I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
