I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
