i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
