i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
