shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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