meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Randomize
