Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My cat gives me a boner
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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