just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
