im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
