dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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