I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
