Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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