I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
