mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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