I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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