You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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