she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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