is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
