I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
