I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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