I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
