mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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