Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
