I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
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