Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
