The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When are your genitals available?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
