Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
