I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
