Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize