I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
