life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We had sex on a dog bed..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
