I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
