i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
