My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
