If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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