So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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