It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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