he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
