I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
