some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
