i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
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He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
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My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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