turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
