Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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