Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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