Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
