If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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