Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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